My Mermaid Tears

“You’d have been so much more beautiful if you’d only lost another ten or fifteen pounds,” mutters my new husband Charlie as we leave our wedding reception. I cry myself asleep in the bathtub hugging my pillow on our wedding night while waiting for him to knock on the door to apologize, or least to see how I’m doing.

No sex that night, simply the mental masturbation of my monkey mind proving over and over why I’m unlovable:

• He’s right, 127 pounds isn’t thin enough.
• Maybe mom was right…I should have worked harder to be a size six like her.
• I’m not good enough. No wonder no one wants me romantically.

As I lay in the bathtub the morning after our wedding night, I try to decide what to do. I know appearances are everything to my family.

When I finally emerge from the bathroom Charlie blurts out “Let’s go to a bull fight tomorrow!”, interrupting my thoughts. I hold my breath and don’t say no – again. The next day I nearly pass out seeing blood when the bullfighter immobilizes the bull with his spear.

Afraid of being proven right – that I am unlovable – I’m determined to avoid the emotional fallout of marital conflict at all costs. Each time I make the decision not to speak up and say what I want it compounds like interest over time onto my soul’s karmic credit card debt.

My Mermaid tears that night and over the course of my 13 year marriage could have filled an ocean.

I didn’t realize I was:

• Waiting for something or someone to come along and change things for me
• Feeling less than others
• Feeling like a victim of circumstances
• Agreeing to something to avoid conflict
• Letting other people run my life***

Just like Mermaids are magical fantasies (that may be real somewhere), I fantasized getting married would magically create a loving home for me. 

I had yet to figure out how to live my own life, let alone find my place in it.

Truth Bomb

Finding your life purpose also isn’t a magic potion that’ll wash all your problems down the drain. It’s crucial, yeah, but it’s just one piece of your whole existence.

Ask me how I know …

You’ve gotta deal with your own crap—the stuff you’d rather bury than face head-on. Your soul’s mission? Turn that shit into fertilizer for your garden of life.

There’s a reason I call life The Soul Reality Shit Show … I help you own and laugh at your shit. Yeah, all that stuff you try to hide from yourself and the world.

I stumbled on metaphysics 5 years after crying myself to sleep in the bathtub on my wedding night. About another 5 years later, I discovered my life purpose but was too afraid to come out of the metaphysical closet and own my truth.

It took another couple of decades to be able to look and laugh at my own shit, let alone turn it into something meaningful (like this email), start sowing seeds, weed my garden (aka kick Narcissists out of my life), and consciously allow my garden to bloom.

Your Soul Plan is like the guide you never knew you existed. It clues you in on your life’s lessons, helps you shake off energy-sapping resentments, and shares tips on how to discover your zone of genius.

Mindset is all about putting Debbie Downer thoughts in their place, backing yourself, and embracing the “sky’s the limit” vibe without toxic positivity. It’s not a quick fix or a one-size fits all charade.

You gotta be your own thought police so you don’t sabotage the good stuff. But 1st you’ve gotta identify what those negative thoughts are … Your Soul Plan will tell you exactly what’s been holding you back … for multiple lives.

We’ve all got a mental playlist of not-so-great hits. You can’t delete those tracks, but you can learn to keep them from crashing your dream-chasing party.

Again: I had yet to figure out how to live my own life, let alone find my place in it.

Finding balance between independence and belonging is your highest priority if you want to be happy and fulfilled. Self-discovery helps you achieve this, where you can be more authentic in accordance with your own inner truth. Then people will love the real you, which takes far less “work”.

Note: From Ainslie MacLeod’s book, The Transformation: Healing Your Past Lives to Realize Your Soul’s Potential